hegemon wrote:White on black is not a good idea. On a web page, readability should come first, and not all screens will have good contrast.
Now, about the story.
The big problem is that the idea is not new.
A few specific comments. The entire impact of the story depends on getting the reader inside the head of the POV character. But you begin "The room was dark." and later "My eyes opened..." That makes the first sentence come from an external POV. Begin by imagining yourself in bed, half asleep. What does it feel like. Make the reader feel that. Then, "I opened my eyes. The room was dark."
>â€œGo ahead, scream. Then youâ€™ll die a whole lot faster.â€ It was a harsh whisper and a clicking sound.
>I closed my mouth.
Think about it. After hearing that, are you going to be focused on your mouth? Also, the dialog doesn't ring true. Say it out loud a few times, and you'll stumble over the "then".
You get the idea. You need to put yourself in the head of your character, and find the telling detail that will put the reader inside the character. (Maybe something like, "My mouth was dry. I couldn't swallow. I felt I was choaking."
admin wrote:At the end of your story, the reader discovers that the character is being confronted by herself. This is a subjective discovery, and objective pov would say that at the beginning.
Like I said, maybe I should switch it to third person. I'll think over your suggestions...thanks...
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