Seriously considering leaving.

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Seriously considering leaving.

Postby ChrisC » Fri Sep 07, 2007 6:06 am

I'm seriously considering leaving my wife and kid, soon to be kids. I
fed up with the in-laws. Life in South Africa. The constant nagging
"reading books is a waste of life" I mean really what kind of arsehole
thinks that.

My wife is nagging and expects the world from me. To pay more
attention to the kid. I just don't feel like it I have my ups and
downs. I'm schizoaffective, obviously not built for relationships. She
doesn't understand it, neither do the in-laws. I'm pissed off home
sick and couldn't give a fuck about any of them except maybe baby
Jessica. I would take her back to the UK if I could. However, the
father in-law would probably hunt me down and literally kill me, I
mean it. He's fucked, he's wife is fucked. The whole damn family is
fucked.

I think I preferred my life in the UK. I'm currently working and
seriously thinking of abounderning all this shit to come back to
blighty and start my life again.

Just need to ask my parents if I can move back in with them in Leigh-
on-Sea, Essex.
"We are what we think.
All that we are arises with our thoughts."

Buddha in The Dhammapada.

ChrisC

http://www.buddhanet.net/
http://www.ubuntu.com/
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Location: Leigh on Sea, Essex, UK

Postby ChrisC » Fri Sep 07, 2007 7:04 am

I think the best thing is to keep a stiffer upper lip carry on working and save for that holiday back to blighty. It might put things into perspective.
"We are what we think.
All that we are arises with our thoughts."

Buddha in The Dhammapada.

ChrisC

http://www.buddhanet.net/
http://www.ubuntu.com/
ChrisC
 
Posts: 118
Joined: Wed Dec 20, 2006 1:48 pm
Location: Leigh on Sea, Essex, UK

wwytd

Postby admin » Fri Sep 07, 2007 7:16 am

What does your therapist advise? Does your wife want you to stay or would she be glad to get rid of you?

I've been through two very painful divorces. I currently live alone. I keep very active, but sometimes I'm lonely.

Moving in with your parents sounds like a move in the wrong direction. Are you self supporting now? Could you become self supporting in UK?

Don't worry too much. You've always got science fiction.
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Postby ChrisC » Mon Sep 10, 2007 4:19 am

I know. It's good to use SF as an escape at times like this.
"We are what we think.
All that we are arises with our thoughts."

Buddha in The Dhammapada.

ChrisC

http://www.buddhanet.net/
http://www.ubuntu.com/
ChrisC
 
Posts: 118
Joined: Wed Dec 20, 2006 1:48 pm
Location: Leigh on Sea, Essex, UK

reality

Postby admin » Mon Sep 10, 2007 7:58 am

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction.
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Postby Stinky93 » Wed Jan 16, 2008 12:08 pm

Nothing says success like abandoning your wife and kids to move back in with mommy and daddy.

Selfish in the extreme.

Put the books down and try raising your kids for a while.
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Postby ChrisC » Sun Jan 20, 2008 2:49 pm

Stinky93 wrote:Nothing says success like abandoning your wife and kids to move back in with mommy and daddy.

Selfish in the extreme.

Put the books down and try raising your kids for a while.


Do you know what it's like? I have kids time and I have personal time. Everyman needs his cave. I'm never allowed to enter it. Anyhow things have got better since that post. I have put my foot down with all of them. Back off or the kids lose a father. I mean really this is over reading. What it is, is that my father-in-law is a prick who can't read and so it's supreme jealousy on his part to find a bookworm in his midst. He feels intimidated. He doesn't understand the fascination.

He likes fishing, I just don't see the fascination in that. Do I put him down for it? Of course not it's horses for courses. Shit if I lived in his world I'd be very narrow minded. Well I guess thats what you get for a white guy growing up in apartheid South Africa. His lost his control and supremacy over his kaffirs.

Fucking idiot. Our relationship was fine till he started poking his nose in. I would look after the baby. When she slept I'd get in some reading time.

Now I'm in bloody South Africa. When it's babies nap time he's on at me to do something productive. And yes I have a full time job so when I'm off I like to relax and read when the kids a sleeping.

FUCK HIM.

Now do you understand???
"We are what we think.
All that we are arises with our thoughts."

Buddha in The Dhammapada.

ChrisC

http://www.buddhanet.net/
http://www.ubuntu.com/
ChrisC
 
Posts: 118
Joined: Wed Dec 20, 2006 1:48 pm
Location: Leigh on Sea, Essex, UK

understand

Postby admin » Tue Jan 22, 2008 8:08 am

You seem to be asking for understanding, but I don't really understand. I gather that your father-in-law lives with you? Or do you and your wife and kids live with him? If the latter, the cost of a trip to England would be better spent finding your own place to live. I don't know how hard that is, there, but it certainly sounds like you need to be somewhere where he cannot constantly bother you.

My ex was constantly criticized by her mother. Turned out, mother-in-law didn't like the situation any better than we did, and was persuaded to lend us enough to get our own apartment. After that, things went better for a while.

A lot of bad behavior on the part of parents and in-laws is instinctive: drive the baby birds out of the nest.

Good luck.
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Postby Stinky93 » Wed Jan 23, 2008 11:43 am

Quote:"you know what it's like? I have kids time and I have personal time. Everyman needs his cave. I'm never allowed to enter it."

There was a few years early on in my marriage when I was still adjusting to the loss of my personal time. I still wanted to play guitar, play video games, and read books. At the same time, I was adjusting to having kids.
Over the years I learned to be less concerned about my own priorities and more concerned about being there for my kids.
Yes, I won't be playing guitar in a rock band, and no I haven't had time to read more than a few good books a year. but I go to sleep every night knowing I've given 100 percent to raising my kids.
If they screw up as adults I'm not going to look back and say to myself that wished I had done something differently because I did the best I could possibly do with no regrets.

Once you have kids, your primary reason for existence is to raise them and prepare them for when they become adults. Everything else is secondary.

Sorry for the long windedness of my reply. I'm at work today and it's pretty slow around here.
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Kids

Postby admin » Wed Jan 23, 2008 8:25 pm

I agree that once you have kids, their needs become paramount. However, in my experience, you can't really meet your kids needs unless your own needs are met. Your kids neither need nor want you to give up everything for them. Some days, they will be the center of attention. Other days, you see them off to school or, for babies, settle them down in a crib, and then read a good book or play the guitar. Then sing them a song and read them a bedtime story. That way, everybody is happy.

Listen to me, twice divorced, give advice.
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Postby Guest » Sat Jan 26, 2008 10:14 am

I'm sorry but if you decide to have kids then you have made a commitment, to up and go just cos she nags you is lame.
You must realise that a pregnant woman is ful of raging hormones and can be hell on earth to live with, I've lived through it twice, but luckily my other half wasnt that bad.(A pregnant woman can literally get away with murder you know!)
We had a hell of a time because our neighbours at the time were drug users and would be up all night partying and making threats to her that we could easily hear through the thin wall. A few times I came close to leaving but there's no way I could do what my dad did to us kids. I promised to be there for them and also that when I found out she was pregnant I said I will be there every step of the way. Having said that it is wrong to perpetuate a relationship just because of the kids, and we do all need our own space.
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