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Babylon 5.1
by Rick Norwood

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Ratings are based on a four star system.
One star means that the commercials are more entertaining than the program.
Two stars watch if you have nothing better to do.
Three stars is good solid entertainment.
Four stars means you never dreamed television could be this good.

SF on TV
Nothing much is happening in August. Voyager does not start until the first Wednesday in October, so I can continue to watch The West Wing (****) for another month. And The X-Files does not start until the first Sunday in November.

Some rumors floating around on the web:
Patrick Stewart will star in X-Men 2 and Star Trek 10. Star Trek 10 will be written by John Logan, Brent Spiner, and Rick Berman. John Logan was one of three writers on Gladiator (***) and Any Given Sunday (***).
DS9 writer Rene Echevaria will be a writer and editor for the upcoming James Cameron series Dark Angel which begins the first Tuesday in October. Unfortunately it sounds like more of the same old thing, with the talent spread too thin.
Brannon Braga will be a major creator of the new Star Trek series, to follow Voyager a year from now.
Scully's new partner on X-Files is a suit named Doggett. Might be more fun if they had cast Dogbert. Lots of rumors about plot details that I am doing my best not to read and certainly will never give away here.

I read recently that Hollywood has decided/discovered that people like to know exactly what they are going to see before they watch anything. This is why previews are always careful to give away all the plot twists. Am I the only one who likes surprises?

Anyway, I thought since nothing much is happening on tv I'd finally be just (but not merciful) to Xena, and share with you the following:

Xena, or The Warrior Princess, by Kevin Wald

I now present an excerpt from Gilbert and Sullivan's little-known operetta, Xena; or, The Warrior Princess. (This excerpt is from an annotated edition; please don't let the occasional scholarly footnotes, in the form of bracketed numbers, interfere with your enjoyment of Gilbert's unique lyrical style.)

We join our operetta already in progress. The infamous Pirates of Pergamum have just seized a bevy of beautiful Mytilenean maidens, and are attempting to carry them off for matrimonial purposes. Gabrielle intervenes, with a recitative (well, it's better than a pan flute solo): Xena, The Warrior Princess

Gabrielle: Hold, scoundrels! Ere ye practice acts of villainy
Upon the peaceful and agrarian,
Just bear in mind, these maidens of My-TIL-ene [1]
Are guarded by a buff barbarian!

Pirates: We'd better all rethink our cunning plan;
They're guarded by a buff barbarian.

Maidens: Yes, yes, she is a buff barbarian.

Xena leaps in from the wings, with a tremendous war cry, does a mid-air somersault, and lands on her feet on the Pirate King's chest.
Xena: Yes, yes, I am a buff barbarian!
I am the very model of a heroine barbarian;
Through Herculean efforts, I've become humanitarian.
I ride throughout the hinterland -- at least that's what they call it in
Those sissy towns like Athens (I, myself, am Amphipolitan).
I travel with a poet who is perky and parthenian [2]
And scribbles her hexameters in Linear Mycenian [3]
(And many have attempted, by a host of methods mystical,
To tell if our relationship's sororal or sapphistical).

Chorus: To tell if their relationship's sororal or sapphistical!
To tell if their relationship's sororal or sapphistical!
To tell if their relationship's sororal or sapphisti-phistical!

Xena: My armory is brazen, but my weapons are ironical;
My sword is rather phallic, but my chakram's rather yonical [4]
(To find out what that means, you'll have to study Indo-Aryan [5]).
I am the very model of a heroine barbarian!

Chorus: To find out what that means, we'll have to study Indo-Aryan --
She is the very model of a heroine barbarian!

Xena: I wake up every morning, ere the dawn is rhododactylous [6]
(Who needs to wait for daylight? I just work by sensus tactilis [7].)
And ride into the sunrise to protect some local villagers
From mythologic monsters or from all-too-human pillagers.
I hurtle towards each villain with a recklessness ebullient
And cow him with my swordwork and my alalaes ululient [8];
He's frightened for his head, because he knows I'm gonna whack it -- he's
Aware that his opponent is the Basileia Makhetes!

The music crashes to a halt, as the Chorus stares at Xena in utter confusion. She sighs. It's Greek. It means "Warrior Princess"! Light dawns on the Chorus, and the music resumes. Sheesh . . .
Chorus: He knows that his opponent is the Basileia Makhetes! He knows that his opponent is the Basileia Makhetes!
He knows that his opponent is the Basileia Makhe-makhetes,

Xena: Because I've got my armor, which is really rather silly, on
(It's cut so low I feel like I'm the topless tow'rs of Ilion,
And isn't any use against attackers sagittarian [9]).
I am the very model of a heroine barbarian!

Chorus: It isn't any use against attackers sagittarian --
She is the very model of a heroine barbarian!

Xena: In short, when I can tell you how I break the laws of gravity,
And why my togs expose my intermammary concavity,
And why my comrade changed her dress from one that fit more comfily
To one that shows her omphalos [10] (as cute as that of Omphale [11]),
And why the tale of Spartacus appears in Homer's versicon [12],

She holds up a tomato:
And where we found examples of the genus Lycopersicon [13],
And why this Grecian scenery looks more like the Antipodes,
You'll say I'm twice the heroine of any in Euripides!

Chorus: We'll say she's twice the heroine of any in Euripides!
We'll say she's twice the heroine of any in Euripides!
We'll say she's twice the heroine of any in Euripi-ripides!

Xena: But though the kinked chronology, confusing and chimerical
(It's often unhistorical, but rarely unhysterical),
Would give a massive heart attack to any antiquarian,
I am the very model of a heroine barbarian!

Chorus: 'Twould give a massive heart attack to any antiquarian --
She is the very model of a heroine barbarian!

In a previous Babylon 5.1 I told you about a version of Hamlet as if written by Gilbert and Sullivan. Little did I know that Gilbert really did write a parody of Hamlet! Kevin turned me on to it, and you can read it here:
[1] Actually, "Mytilene" would properly be accented on the third syllable; Gabrielle always did have trouble with rhymes. (Mytilene, incidentally, is a city on the isle of Lesbos -- the hometown of the poet Sappho, as a matter of fact. It is not clear what, if anything, Gilbert is trying to imply here.)
[2] parthenian: virginal.
[3] Linear Mycenian: Mycenian is the ancient dialect of Greek which was written in Linear B (a form of Greek writing that predates the adoption of the alphabet). The implication is that Gabrielle does her writing in Linear B; if Xena takes place around the time of the Trojan war, this is chronologically reasonable.
[4] yonical: "Yonic" is the female counterpart to "phallic".
[5] Indo-Aryan: The language group consisting of Sanskrit and its close relatives. Both "chakram" and "yonic" are of Sanskrit derivation.
[6] rhododactylous: rosy-fingered. (Homer makes frequent reference to rhododaktulos eos -- "rosy-fingered dawn".)
[7] sensus tactilis: Latin for "the sense of touch".
[8] "Alalaes" are war-cries (the Greeks spelled a Xena-like war cry as alala or alale) and "ululient" is a coined term, apparently meaning "characterized by ululation".
[9] sagittarian: archer-like.
[10] omphalos: belly-button.
[11] Omphale: Legendary queen of Lydia. From context, we must assume that she had a cute belly-button; however, no known classical source seems to address this vital issue.
[12] versicon: a coined term, apparently meaning "collection of verse".
[13] Lycopersicon: the biological genus to which tomatoes are assigned. (The tomato is a New World plant, and was entirely unknown in the Old World in pre-Columbian times. Thus, having tomatoes in a Xena-ish context is an even greater anachronism than having Homer tell the tale of Spartacus.)

Copyright © 2000 by Rick Norwood

Rick Norwood is a mathematician and writer whose small press publishing house, Manuscript Press, has published books by Hal Clement, R.A. Lafferty, and Hal Foster. He is also the editor of Comics Revue Monthly, which publishes such classic comic strips as Flash Gordon, Sky Masters, Modesty Blaise, Tarzan, Odd Bodkins, Casey Ruggles, The Phantom, Gasoline Alley, Krazy Kat, Alley Oop, Little Orphan Annie, Barnaby, Buz Sawyer, and Steve Canyon.

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