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SF & Fantasy Jokes

(34 posts)
  • Started 10 years ago by JohnWThiel
  • Latest reply from Marian

  1. JohnWThiel
    Member

    I know jokes go rolling at F&SF because there's a humor contest every year. Well, why should we not have jokes every day here at the Forum? One reason is that they would, like, spam up the boards. But here all in one topic, can forum people think up some jokes that would be a humorous treat for everyone?

    Example:

    A troll was unaware that he had begun walking with a stooped stance because he didn't have a mirror to see himself. Concerned that he should be able to notice the signs of his advancing age, a group of his associates bought him a full-length mirror and interrupted his daily stroll to show him how he looked. He asked them what it was.

    "It's you", they told him.

    He gaped at it some more, then drew back and said, "I don't know why I would want to have a full-length portrait of myself as a young man. I don't even know who painted it. Take it and give it to someone that has some use for it."

    Posted 10 years ago #
  2. JohnWThiel
    Member

    Anyone have some jokes of their own they would like to add on to this topic? Remember, they have to be of a science fiction or fantasy nature.

    Posted 10 years ago #
  3. myshortname
    Member

    I like treats although you can have too much of a good thing. For example:-

    A giant walked into the local public house and vomited all over
    a small human standing by the bar.

    The giant looked down and said "I don't remember eating that!"

    "hey" said the human "that's no way to treat a critic"

    David

    Posted 10 years ago #
  4. JohnWThiel
    Member

    The rest of the jokes evaporated over the course of time due to having too high a water content.

    Posted 6 years ago #
  5. geoffhart1962
    Member

    You heard the one about the barbarian who met the woman and settled down to a life of sworded domesticity?

    (Bonus points to anyone who can track down the origin of "sordid domesticity". I'd thought it was Dorothy Parker, but it appears earlier than her writing.)

    Posted 6 years ago #
  6. Winks
    Member

    Two aliens, Zathar and Caad, landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached the gas pumps and Zathar said to it "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader. "

    The gas pump, of course, did not respond.

    Zathar repeated the greeting and there was still no response.

    Annoyed by what he perceived as the gas pump's haughty attitude, Zathar drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings Earthling, we come in peace. Why do you dare ignore us this way? Take us to your leader now, or I will be forced to fire upon you."

    Caad began to warn his comrade, "No, you must not anger him................", but before he could finish his warning Zathar fired upon the gas pump.

    There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert where they landed in a heap.

    When they finally regained consciousness (aliens have tough skin) Zathar turned to Caad and said "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us. How did you determine it to be so dangerous?"

    Caad answered, "If there is one thing I have learned in my travels throughout the galaxy - - if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick in his own ear, don't mess with him."

    Posted 6 years ago #
  7. Kevin C.
    Member

    Did you hear about the Lord of the Rings fan who turned down an invite to a Conan Con? He didn't want to a Tolkien minority.

    Posted 6 years ago #
  8. geoffhart1962
    Member

    Kevin noted the Conan Con, but the way I heard it, the fan didn't want to mess up the Conan canon.

    Posted 6 years ago #
  9. MattHughes
    Member

    There was the one about the man who helped a leprechaun out of a jam and was rewarded with a wish. Unfortunately, the leprechaun was a bit deaf so the fellow ended up with a twelve-inch pianist. But, boy, could that little guy play.

    Posted 6 years ago #
  10. JohnWThiel
    Member

    A fellow walked into Manticore wearing a pair of Bar Harbor Frankensteins. (The original models of these were called "Waldos", but the debased versions were more suited for Manticore.) Fellow in the place asked him, "What you got?"

    "Only some gloves by which I can put in an inlay, or you name it, without even being present. They're not for sale or mass production, I want a job and you could start out with a job assignment. Let me know, I'll do it."

    "That's about the best glove I've seen. I'd put you on the line but we're slack now. Tell you what. You can use those to search the Assistant VP for contraband."

    Posted 6 years ago #
  11. schatzfam
    Member

    This is not original, but still fun.

    A man gets himself cloned to better deal with his overly busy life. At first, the ability to be in two places at once is a godsend, but problems invariably develop. For some reason, the clone has a filthy mouth and soon gets the man in trouble with his boss, his family, and his friends.

    Desperate for a solution, the man invites his clone for a hiking trip in the nearby mountains. Seeing an opportunity, the man pushes the clone off a steep cliff. (I cannot repeat what the clone yelled at the man, as the clone plunged to his death.)

    The man whistled to himself as he hiked back down the mountain thinking his problems were solved. However, near the bottom, he was grabbed by a park ranger who proclaimed, "You are under arrest!"

    "Arrest - for what?"

    "The charge is - making an obscene clone fall."

    Dick

    Posted 6 years ago #
  12. JohnWThiel
    Member

    Who are some of the others who have worked with it?

    Posted 6 years ago #
  13. JohnWThiel
    Member

    Four years ago. That means my troll joke is getting old.

    But I have a new fantasy joke:

    A prince noted for his sagacity was awaiting death from a nameless disease he had contracted while unwisely attending a woodland orgy. Apparently suffering the loss of his wise words in advance of his actual death, a woman who had been kidnapped and was being held in a tower facing a choice of living in enslavement if she favored death falling upon the people and death if she was against it was brought to his attention, imploring him for advice on making a choice she was intellectually incapable of handling.

    "Why do you ask advice of one who is shortly to be dead himself?" he implored of the questioners in return.

    "That's just the kind of person we would want to hear from about this matter," said the spokesperson for the lady.

    Posted 5 years ago #
  14. JohnWThiel
    Member

    If you don't get it, it's a time joke. Count to a hundred and that's when you start laughing.

    Posted 5 years ago #
  15. JohnWThiel
    Member

    That troll joke was supposed to have worked. There it sits getting stale.

    Posted 5 years ago #
  16. JohnWThiel
    Member

    You may have heard about the fellow who won a flat-earth debate with a joke. The debate occurred in the 19th century, and probably it had been quoted a lot. But anyway, his joke was a quip: "The Earth is round, that's flat." It sounds like he lost it except when they called him on it, he said that he could prove that rotundity is flatness--an early topologist, perhaps. Besides, he pointed out that there was a converse to his statement, namely "The Earth is flat, that's getting around". He had it either way. No one was able to find out what he really believed in the terms that had been used in the debate until he spoke.

    Posted 5 years ago #
  17. geoffhart1962
    Member

  18. JohnWThiel
    Member

    Oh, life is a little sadder without some humor, I've some more jokes here.

    The talk these days is all about driverless cars. I was talking to a fellow who said he'd seen one while out on the road. He passed it and there was nobody at the wheel. But when he looked in his rear view mirror he saw that the car had bucket seats.

    Other driverless cars have people who aren't considered drivers at the wheel.

    Again, there's driverless cars which are being bombastically accused by other cars of lacking an important element in their makeup.

    Where driverless cars are being questioned the police received a report on a driverless car. Starting where it had been spotted, they found a guy standing by his broken-down car. It turned out he was a driver less car. That tallied; he had made the call.

    Another driverless car called to the public attention was parked somewhere. They checked it out for its components and found nothing unusual. Finally a guy came out and explained to them that it would have a driver when he was ready to leave.

    And a driverless car turned out to have a driver who was complaining on his phone that his car was being run by remote control. He was referring to all the surveillance cameras.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  19. geoffhart1962
    Member

    Driverless cars, even if designed by Microsoft, are likely to be safer than many of the drivers I've encountered on the road in 35 years of driving. Sadly, these people are precisely the ones who would never allow the use of an autopilot for their vehicle.

    (Reminds me of Otto the Pilot in the "Airplane" movie. Dated, but well worth a look if you're feeling silly and want something mindless but clever.)

    Posted 4 years ago #
  20. Marian
    Member

    "Tell me, pretty maiden,
    What is it you have seen?"
    "It was hanging from the ceiling, sir,
    And dripping rather green."
    "Did you identify it, before you turned and ran?"
    "Oh yes and that I did, sir.
    It was a science fiction fan."

    This is from 1952 Chicago Convention

    Posted 4 years ago #
  21. Marian
    Member

    21 Jokes you probably won't get. (I missed the humor in six). This was posted by Jeff Kooistra on his Facebook and he says he got them all. http://veryviral.com/21-jokes-so-clever-that-you-probably-wont-get-them-definitely-wont-get-them/

    Posted 4 years ago #
  22. geoffhart1962
    Member

    Matt notes: "There was the one about the man who helped a leprechaun out of a jam and was rewarded with a wish."

    Leprechaun jam? *shudders*

    But yes, that joke was one of my dad's favorites. Always reminded me of the singing frog in Bugs Bunny... insert performance joke here. *G*

    Posted 4 years ago #
  23. Chris DeVito
    Member

    A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food."

    Posted 4 years ago #
  24. geoffhart1962
    Member

    A cation walks into a bar and asks for a mai tai. The bartender says, "Are you sure?" The cation says, "Yes, I'm positive."

    Posted 4 years ago #
  25. geoffhart1962
    Member

    To steal from another thread, “The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas" by Ursula K. Le Guin, originally had the subtitle "you can't make an omelas without breaking a few eggs". But given the American distrust of anything French, this phrase from the French revolution was roundly vetoed by the editorial department.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  26. Greg
    Member

    Begone, obstreperous vermin!

    Posted 1 year ago #
  27. geoffhart1962
    Member

    Since we're clearly living in an alt-universe, this is clearly an SFnal joke: An islamophobe, a neo-Nazi, and a sexual predator walk into a bar. “What’ll it be, Mr. Trump?” says the bartender.

    (Saw this as Anon. Attribution welcomed.)

    Posted 1 year ago #
  28. geoffhart1962
    Member

    More in the alt universe of jokes:

    The reservation staff at Trump Towers receive a phone call one day.

    "I'm calling on behalf of Vladimir Putin. We'd like to reserve all rooms in the top two floors for the last two weeks of February 2017. In addition, we'd like personal servants (butlers and the like) for 100 people, and our own chef, available for three meals a day. And we'd like a concierge on duty just for us."

    "Very good sir. That will be US$200 000 plus the cost of your alcoholic beverages. And when will you be arriving?"

    "Arriving?" asked the caller.

    Posted 1 year ago #
  29. Marian
    Member

  30. Marian
    Member


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